A friend of mine died today.
I hate this. This acute awareness of mortality. I can't help but believe that we are not meant to have this awareness so close to the skin. How are we supposed to walk through life, pulling ourselves along our little assigned time line knowing that the...stuff...the stuff that urges us along that line is so fleeting, and so much of it of no consequence? If I were not here tomorrow, the TV station would still be on the air, a new person would move into this apartment, all my possessions would go in the trash or to Goodwill. Life would continue just fine without me.
Ah, but.....mortality wouldn't be so big, so powerful, so painful, so influential, so...present, if that stuff were the only thing on our little time line. There are people on each time line. Our little lines intersect, weave in and out, entangle with every other life we encounter. When one time line comes to its end, every line entangled with it comes to a sudden stop. Depending upon the degree of the entanglement, the stop may last a moment, a few days, months....or the remainder of a life.
I am sad to think that most of the world will continue on as though my friend were never even here. Those lines that never crossed his will not pause. I will go to work tomorrow and do the things I do, but tonight, I paused. I stopped. I stared at a red stop light, transfixed by it while aware of a constant stream of cars racing by in both directions underneath. I welled up with tears and felt the loss. I felt a bit angry at the cars racing past as though nothing had happened. They should all stop, but they didn't.
I am unconcerned with how many pauses happen at the end of my time line. What difference will it make to me? I'll be gone. I am, however, VERY concerned about when I may have to stop again. I dread coming to a place where another person's mortality will stop me dead in my tracks. A mortal line so closely entwined with mine that I can't imagine dragging on without it. This is the awareness I hate.
I am so glad my life intersected with yours, Eddie. You are, perhaps, the most unique person I ever met. You were a big man with big flaws, perfectly balanced with big love, loyalty and joy. Rest in peace, my friend.
